This is something I’ve never addressed in my 54 years on the planet but Christmas was fiercely depressing growing up. Our mom had a horrible past that brought depression over the holidays. Her unresolved trauma caused so many layers of sadness and stress it was impossible for it not to rub off on us. So last month when my sister (1or2 of my siblings left on my mom’s side) said “it’s hard this time of year isn’t it!” I was so excited to hear it wasn’t just me. That I wasn’t alone, with struggling to keep my head above water, was so very reassuring. That I have to force myself to decorate, wrap, bake and participate in Christmas. If we were taught anything grown up it was to never discuss the hard stuff. So in 2023 me 54 and my sister who is 14 years my senior had never once mentioned this to each other.
Let me just be perfectly clear I am 110% aware that I am blessed with so much. That even while you are reading this you are probably listing things and people you know I’m blessed with. And trust me I am thankful for all of them.
That said if I was to unpack my younger years, my crazy existence and my compound loss you would likely see why sadness grips me occasionally. Why I can sometimes hold joy in one had and have sadness spilling out of the other hand at a drop of a hat.
My survival technique is to stay busy enough that I am able to ignore my sadness.
What happens when you have Dec 23-Jan 2 off you make a plan to be busy. Then Dec 23 comes and brings with it a fierce chest cold that makes you unable to do anything but sit in your feelings, by yourself for several days in a row.
You’re not going to talk about your feelings. It's hard to admit to family and friends that at such a wonderful time of year you don't actually feel wonderful at all. You’re sad.
All the strategies you’re typically told to use when you’re feeling blue kind of get lost when you’re feeling blue, sick, are contagious and it’s Christmas.
You’re not doing anything to keep yourself busy.
You’re not asking for help.
You’re not keeping in touch with anyone.
You’re not eating well.
You’re not getting out in the sun.
I can tell you 4 days in and it isn’t pretty. I had several breakdowns today. The thing is I never want to burden people with my issues so I bottle them up until they erupt.
But what if the fact that I feel this way and survive year after year encourages someone else that they can make it through? What if me saying I’m going to get up tomorrow morning and be ok. I’m going to get up and count my blessings. Makes someone else say I’m going to try that? What if my struggle helps you with your struggle just knowing you’re not alone, makes a difference.
Then I guess it is ok to share the hard stuff.
And to those that got crazy mom or Michelle in the last few days…. Sorry, I love you and I’m thankful for you.
”Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.“
Matthew 11:28
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