The thing about loss...

Loss is a journey.  

Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something that’s important to you. We often have a plethora of emotions; my main ones are sadness or loneliness. Years will pass and you think "I’m good, I got this" but there are times when you aren’t so good and you just ache to be the same as everyone else.  

For me it is in the joyful times.  Times like weddings, showers, graduations, proms, baby dedications etc.  The time when everyone else’s family is around in a big way and you’re left feeling like the odd one out.  You’re lonely because your mom, dad, siblings, nephew, sister-in-law have all gone on. In the day-to-day busy I miss them from time to time but can hold it together for the most part. That said when occasions are coming where everyone is going to be celebrating, I begin to break down.  I try to hold myself together through the event because it's not about me and I am truly happy whatever the occasion. That said, I’m often found crying at anything and everything the week prior and the week following, I'm just raw.  Why, you wonder, because these occasions remind me of the deep loss I have and how much I truly miss my extended people. 

Occasions where there is only room for “family” means I have nobody extended to bring.  There is no room for my now new extended family (AKA friends) because they aren’t related to me. I don’t have anyone to celebrate my kids with me anymore and it breaks my heart.  So, if you see me tearing up at something joyous or you think I'm a bit off don’t think I’m not happy for whoever is celebrating. I am happy, I’m just a bit lonely for those who gone on before me.  I miss having someone to share in the joy with me.  And if I'm totally honest I feel awkward. Everyone else has many extended family members to celebrate with them and there's Michelle, by herself.  

So, this is my loss journey sometimes I'm doing pretty darn good, other times I'll break if you say something in the wrong tone because I'm super sensitive during festivities. 

I know I'm not alone in loss we all live with loss every day but if anyone out there can relate to this and it makes you realize you're not alone in your "loss emotions" then I'm glad I shared. 

Blessings,

Rev Michelle 

“Like a deep sad note
played beneath the ocean
waving through the orb
the memories of you
the bittersweet echoes
infixed forever in my heart”
― Pawan Mishra